Tread Lighter

The journey of a mother, wife, student and overeater. I don't have the answers...I am a work in progress.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

To my dad...

It has come to my attention that I have a problem. I have tried to rationalize this for years and it just isn’t working anymore. I am filled with guilt and self-loathing for having such a vain and 1st world “issue”. I hate to put this on you now but you are the only person I feel comfortable telling. I quit smoking. I quit eating meat. I don’t use drugs recreationally anymore. I rarely drink. I do, however have a problem with compulsive eating. When I was a teenager I purged to manage my weight…when I realized the harmful effects of that I slowed it down…for years at a time sometimes but never really stopped. I create a chaotic environment to live in. I have no real control. I have often wished that I could have the opposite problem. There is so much shame involved. I am afraid of rejection. You are lauded if you restrict your intake and are considered almost holy for refraining from eating as a woman. I thought it was under control but when I gained weight with ***** I found that it wasn’t. Most of the treatment programs I found are inpatient. I’m not that excited about them and that’s not fair to ***** and *****. I need to see a doctor…but I need to establish a relationship with one so I want to wait until I get to Tampa. I know I need to fix myself because ***** deserves better…. And I deserve better. I am afraid to tell anyone else…please honor that. I realized so many terrible childhood feelings this weekend when Mommie kept asking me about how my diet was going and referring to herself as a fat ass. How do you think that makes me feel? She has no idea. I’ve asked her not to before but it seems that her cognitive impairment includes forgetting that every time I mention it. I know she is trying to be helpful. It does, however, bring up latent feelings of resentment that manifest inappropriately. It’s not fair for her either. I don’t know what to do. It feels good, though, to identify the problem.

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