To my dad...

It has come to my attention that I have a problem. I have tried to rationalize this for years and it just isn’t working anymore. I am filled with guilt and self-loathing for having such a vain and 1^st world “issue”. I hate to put this on you now but you are the only person I feel comfortable telling. I quit smoking. I quit eating meat. I don’t use drugs recreationally anymore. I rarely drink. I do, however have a problem with compulsive eating. When I was a teenager I purged to manage my weight…when I realized the harmful effects of that I slowed it down…for years at a time sometimes but never really stopped. I create a chaotic environment to live in. I have no real control. I have often wished that I could have the opposite problem. There is so much shame involved. I am afraid of rejection. You are lauded if you restrict your intake and are considered almost holy for refraining from eating as a woman. I thought it was under control but when I gained weight with ***** I found that it wasn’t. Most of the treatment programs I found are inpatient. I’m not that excited about them and that’s not fair to ***** and *****. I need to see a doctor…but I need to establish a relationship with one so I want to wait until I get to Tampa. I know I need to fix myself because ***** deserves better…. And I deserve better. I am afraid to tell anyone else…please honor that. I realized so many terrible childhood feelings this weekend when Mommie kept asking me about how my diet was going and referring to herself as a fat ass. How do you think that makes me feel? She has no idea. I’ve asked her not to before but it seems that her cognitive impairment includes forgetting that every time I mention it. I know she is trying to be helpful. It does, however, bring up latent feelings of resentment that manifest inappropriately. It’s not fair for her either. I don’t know what to do. It feels good, though, to identify the problem.

I feel renewed today. I am tired of failure. I owe it to myself and my family to do something about this. I am going to weigh myself and feel the fear....hang on.

Ok. I did it. 226. Now I know what I'm dealing with. This is unacceptable and I can't live with it anymore. I don't have the means to use many of the diet products out there. I will do it my own way. God help me.

Reading a book on fasting...I'm not a moron...I know what it does to your metabolism...but I also know that a slower metabolism leads to longer life expectancy. So, If I can fast for a bit to "cold turkey" off of the compulsive eating...and then liquid diet the rest of the way to my goal weight...I will be able to transition back to normal amounts of food in a healthy way. That's the plan. We'll see.

damn veggie dogs again

I did well. I had a slim fast for breakfast and a reasonable lunch. I had a slim fast for dinner and then I pigged out on veggie dogs covered in ranch dressing. I feel like shit. Obviously I have problems at night. Maybe going to bed earlier will help.

noon

Little man slept in today and I woke up panicked around 10:30. I ran to his room to make sure he was still breathing! He was fine, I fed him breakfast and went to check my email. I am getting hungry so I'm going to try a slim fast. God, my indigestion is terrible. Acid reflux sucks.

um...veggie dog

My husband made me a veggie dog late ...or early this morning. I ate it even though I am not hungry. It was really good. I then drank a bunch of water. Let's see...social eating.

Did ok today

I had 2 slimfasts and my lovely husband brought me veggies from Boston Market. Not the healthiest veggies in the world but veggies none the less. I didn't snack. I didn't binge. I feel ok. I did, however, go into a crazy mania and compile 2 contractor bags worth of crap to donate to goodwill. I'm-a-fixin' to go on another mania inside my closet. See you tomorrow.

today

It is 2:23 today and I haven't eaten yet....unusually. I've decided to try the slim-fast thing for the reasons previously stated. I know I should eat breakfast but I am just now starting to get hungry. I spent the morning taking care of little man and cleaning up for the move in August. I'm going to sip a slim fast and plop myself in front of the TV for a rest.

I have a problem

It has occurred to me that I am a compulsive overeater. I am self sabotaging and I am not sure why. I think it is more than just emotional escapism...that is a big part of it though. I don't really know what to do. I went to the OA websites but they seem strange to me. I don't want to identify that way. I have gotten to the point where I don't really like myself...and that is not fair to my son. I am horrified that my self esteem is so tied up in this. It makes me feel like a failure. As much as I achieve I have still failed. I know that sounds crazy and that irritates me even more. I owe it to my family that loves me to get better. I will try.

I am fat

I am fat. I can't really deny it anymore. My son is 14 months old and I have gained weight since he was born. I'd like to say it's stress because of my crappy job...or whatever...but it's really because I use food as an emotional tool. Diets don't work for me. I don't understand the concept of moderation. I was able to quit smoking after 11 years by knowing that I could never have another cigarette. I can't do that with food. I do know how to eat right and exercise. I'm just too tired.

Therefore, I am going to use a liquid diet. I have always looked down on those. But this time I think I need to go cold turkey on emotional eating. Once I get that under control I can learn moderation. This is my first entry. I will make myself write every day so I remember how I feel.

I am not weighing in to start with. I probably weigh around 230 lbs. I am 5'4'. I will weigh in when I see some results and feel a little better about myself.

Go me!